Card Camp
by Grey Fish
Summary: Poor Billy. Upon questioning his masculinity Billy's parents have sent him to Card Camp in hopes that succeeding at a child's card game will make him more manly.
1. Camp Cards

_Authors' Notes_

Grey: We have returned!

Fish: Fish's a zombie! Ooooooh!

Grey: (Slaps him before he eats her head) We have made a miraculous return because, quite frankly, we don't see too many other funny stories on this site anymore.

Fish: Zombie! Ooooooh!

Grey: (Slaps him again) Anywho, thanks to the very few of you that have reviewed our stories over the past however many years, and even more special thanks to whoever still watches us!

Fish: Zombie loves you! Come here for zombie love!

Grey: Er, yeah. Anyway, we dedicate this story to you guys, and Watapon, and that guy who does Yugioh the abridged series for inspiring us to write again, and cream cheese, and that random guy we saw out the window. He helped us the most.

Fish: Zombie love?

Grey: On with the show!

Story time!

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**Chapter one: Camp Cards (They're so fabulous!)**

"Billy? Billy?!? Billy! Get down here right now!"

Said kid quickly took off the rather pink and feminine skirt he had been trying on, "I'll be right there!" He shoved the thing under his bed in a nondescript cardboard box. "I'm…uh… putting away my football magazines!"

"That's a lie and you know it!"

"Darnit!" The young Billy Bob Joe Earl III stumbled down the stairs to his ever loving football coach father and at home mom… mother.

"Son, we know your masculinity doesn't branch off far enough to be interested in things like football, or baseball, or dating… or girls in general…"

"And that is why your father and I have decided to send you to band- er, card camp."

Billy blinked, "Isn't that what football camp is for?"

"No, the only way you could ever truly be manly is by successfully playing a child's card game, hon."

His father nodded, "Yes, I agree, dear."

"But… But… I don't even have a deck! I don't even know how to play… I don't even know what you're talking about!"

"Duel monsters, of course."

"…What the hell is that?"

Billy's mother hit him upside the head with her hand, "Child abuse! I mean… watch your language!" Billy rubbed the back of his head where a painful bump was soon forming, "Besides, you're the camper. You should already know what it is."

"But I didn't even know I was signed up until right now!"

"Well that's not our fault now is it?"

"…what?"

Billy's father glared at him, "Quit your whining and get packing."

"But I don't have a deck!"

"You better find one before camp starts," he grabbed his coat off the back of his chair while his mother made her way to the door.

"Where are you guys going?"

His mother kissed the top of Billy's head, "You're going to have to walk to the airport, sweetie. Your father and I have an important… uh… thing we have to go to. Right, dear?"

"What? … Oh… Oh yeah! That's right, son. Your mother and I have an important thing to go to. Well, what are you waiting for? Get moving, boy! I'm not wasting my two dollars on nothing!"

"My camp only cost two dollars?"

"That'senoughtalkgottagobye!" And with that he pushed his wife out the door and they were gone.

"But… but… I don't even know where the airport is!"

**-2 hours later-**

Billy was making his way toward the airport. Or at least, he thought he was. Google maps had told him the easiest way there was to swim across the Pacific Ocean, but he figured walking across the Golden Gate Bridge was a more viable option. Of course, looking for sins and at scenery caused him to conveniently trip. Why? Because that's the only way we can progress our plot. Deal with it.

"What is this?" Billy cringed as he picked up a deck of cards laying on the sidewalk. How someone manages to trip over a deck of cards we don't know, but Billy managed to do it.

"…It's a deck… of cards." Billy ingeniously stated after we stated the fact that he had picked up a deck of cards.

"I feel like slapping an unseen force right- now." Oh no, Billy. We're scared. Very scared.

All of the sudden, being the great authors we are, sent him a sign. Unfortunately Billy isn't exactly the brightest kid in the world, nor is he the most observant, so the sign ended up landing on his head. It said 'Airport, 20 miles, east'.

Billy said something unfit for a PG rating but censoring it wasn't necessary as at that moment a car slammed on its breaks to keep from smashing Billy's legs into red goo. Like we said earlier, Billy isn't the coldest beer in the fridge so picking himself up after tripping street hadn't occurred to him.

Speaking of beer, 'Hey kid, if you wanna get drunk don't do it right next to the street!" shouted the disgruntled driver of the minivan.

"I'm sorry. I tripped over a deck of cards. I swear I'm not drunk."

"How in the sam hell do you trip over a deck of cards?"

She sighed disdainfully as she looked at her watch, "Shit, we're running late." The obviously in need of anger management lady looked at him, "Hey kid, where ya headin'?"

"Umm… airport. I'm going to Card Camp."

She looked at him pointedly, "Well get your ass in the back and I'll drive you since that's where I'm headin' too." And at this point we decided that the story is rated PG thirteen.

"But my mommy told me never to ride with strangers…"

The woman rolled her eyes, "Damnit! My name is Doris, now get in the car or I'll run you over." She revved the engine.

Billy eep'd and scrambled into the back of the car as fast as his scrawny little legs could carry him. The second his rump touched the cushion seat, however, Doris sent her minivan spiraling down the road, running over pedestrians and cursing at traffic as she went by.

Billy cringed, at least he wasn't walking. He settled down in his chair, at least, is wasn't going to be a long trip.

"Hay!" Billy jumped to a start and looked beside him. What was there utterly repulsed him. It was so not fabulous.

"ASL?"

Billed gaped in disgust. This… thing beside him was a giant zit with mini zits topped with a long, greasy mop of purple hair and clothed in nerd pants up past his waist, suspenders, a button up white pollo, and a pink polka dotted bow tie.

"Uh…" The thing was poking him.

"ASL? Lol."

"I don't comprehend you."

"…ASL? A-S-L?"

"…Um, no."

"Aw…"

As if the sight of it wasn't enough the thing… kept… touching him!

"Aw, I see you've met my darling little boy," Doris turned around in her seat to look at Billy. In the mean time pedestrians ran for their lives. "He's going to Card Camp too. You're friends already!"

Billy shuddered, that thing was a boy? Wait, what? Friends!? Billy nearly died from heart failure.

"Yay, MAI BFF!" The thing gave him a hug. It was slowly degrading from less than so not fabulous. Of course, Billy didn't really know what was after 'so not fabulous'. He'd never gotten that low before. "LOLZ we b 2gether 4 evar! ROFL!"

Billy wasn't quite sure how the thing had managed to talk in numbers, but it somehow worked out like that. Billy shuddered as his fabulous ever so slowly continued to go down. What had his parents done to him?

**Chapter End… LOL!  
**

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**  
** Grey: Don't worry folks, we will have actual characters from the show in the next chapter as well as all the other ones to come.

Fish: Why no zombie love!?

Grey: Thanks for taking the time to read this. Ciao!

Fish: Fish demands zombie love!


	2. Maury! Maury!

_Author's Notes_

Grey: (Gasp) Grey and Fish are uploading another chapter? So soon!?! Yes, I am just as surprised as you are.

Fish: Fish has a fan base! (Dances in a fishy little way)

Grey: Get back in your bowl.

Fish: Aww, but it's dark and scary in there!

Grey: (Shakes skillet at him)

Fish: Do not want! (Runs)

Grey: Anyway, thanks to all two of you that reviewed the first chapter, especially that random British chap. Sorry if you aren't but we assumed you were, which of course makes an ass out of you and me.

Disclaimer:

Fish: We own nothing! Nothing at all! Except Billy… and the nerd… and Doris, and Darlene, Cheryl, Mary J.

Chapter Start

* * *

Chapter Title: Maury! Maury!

"Okay dear, and my dear's now best friend, get out of my damn car! We're at the airport."

"Yayz! Lol!"

"Great, Billy was not in the greatest of moods upon arrival… His fabulous meter had dropped so low he wondered how he was still breathing in such an un-fabulous condition. But yet, he was still alive and about to get on a plane to go to Card Camp to become more 'manly'. Did his Parents ever think he wanted to become manlier?

Billy and the thing were practically thrown out of the minivan when all of the sudden a hobo walked by wearing a sign that said 'I need money for drugs, booze, and women'. 'At least he's honest,' Billy thought.

As the hobo walked on past, part of his tattered jacket touched the minivan's bumper and left a brown streak of hoboness in its path. "Hes abot to get pWnzoRDs! ROFLOL!" the thing exclaimed just before Doris leaped from the door of her minivan and round house kicked the bum in the face. It was then that Chuck Norris appeared from behind a bush and tackled Doris to the ground that caused an all out epic battle to break out.

"Copy write infringement LOL!" The thing exclaimed once more before turning to head for the airport.

Billy stared at the fight blankly. Why was he leading a fairly normal life until now? He sighed and followed the thing into the airport. Maybe things would get a little better.

"lol, we has gate 40!" the thing pointed.

"That's nice," Billy pulled his bright pink suitcase behind him.

They walked up to the luggage check in- because that's what normal people do. Go to the luggage check in.

"The next open slot is available here," a flight attendant behind a monitor waved. Billy came up and put his suitcase on the scale.

"I'm sorry sir, but your baggage has been rejected."

"But… But… Why!?" Billy's luggage had been rejected? HIS fabulous luggage? There must be some sort of error, an error involving a bad taste in fashion.

"Your bag is .12195 pounds overweight. We're afraid we're going to have to charge you one thousand extra dollars to ship this with you."

Was that all, a little overweight? Billy knew he shouldn't have packed so many extra skirts with him. Sometimes even fabulousness must suffer for the sake of travel convenience.

"Oh, and the color is also too loud. We're afraid the passengers might be able to hear it from all the way below the plane." He knew it!

"You listen here, ma'am! You and everyone else alive must have no sense in fashion to reject my baggage… My FABULOUS baggage. Then again, there is probably more fabulous stuff in this bag that you have never seen in your lifetime!"

"I'm sorry, even if you do have a good argument, your baggage has still been rejected. Have a nice day, sir. NEXT!"

Billy would show her… his bag would be a carry-on. A fabulous carryon. No professional working lady was going to tell him what to do.

In the meantime the thing got his obscenely hideous baggage that was made even more hideous by its over use of 'I pwn ur bace!" and 'orly?' stickers. He even got a lollipop for being a 'good little boy'. Billy wanted a lollipop…

As they approached the security check in a lady ran up to him and threw plastic bags in his face, "Use these to store things in or we will eat your head!" Why the bags were full of bread crumbs he did not know, nor did he wish to. But then he thought for a second… and then he remembered, yes, he did leave his mascara at home. So he really didn't need the bags. Oh well, he threw the unsightly bags away at the nearest trashcan. He then approached the flight gates.

"Um, sir, I'm sorry. You're going to have to stop here."

Thank goodness, the fashion police had finally arrived. Hilly had called them a long time ago. Maybe they wanted to talk to him about the unfortunate incident that had taken place previously.

"Sir, you appear to have a breadcrumb on your jacket. I'm sorry but that is a health code violation and we'll have to sweep you for drugs."

"…Didn't you just say it was a breadcrumb?"

"Sir! I'm going to have to ask you to cooperate with us and not cause a scene."

"…I'm not causing a scene…"

"Sir, if you do not calm down I'm going to have to take you away for further questioning."

"…"

"Jerry, go fetch Leroy and tell him to get down here. This one refuses to cooperate with us."

"But… I didn't do anything," Billy was not happy.

"Sir, I'm afraid if you continue acting this way we're going to have to taser you. This is a major violation of our code."

"But… the breadcrumb was from a bag one of your security guards threw at me!"

"Sir, let's not play the blame game. I'll need you to step in the x-ray please." Billy thought this was unfair and un-fabulous.

"Wait, why do I have to get an x-ray? That's really only for metal objects… right?"

"I don't know about you boy. It looks like you could shoot a man."

"With what, my body?"

Instead of arguing with the kid the cop decided to just taser Billy to get him to shut up. That and he just liked tasering people, it was the best part of the job.

_-One hour and twenty taserings later-_

"Alright, you're free to go now. Let this be a lesson to you to not try to sneak food on the plane."

"But I thought this was about drugs."

"Exactly, sneaking food on a plane," The flight attendant lady pushed him into the plane loading area.

The slightly dazed young Billy walked haphazardly around until he ran into the thing. "Lolxorz u gots pwnd," It laughed. "Want som vicodin?" He held up a small bottle. "My mom sais its mai L33t drug of ."

Billy had no clue how thing had managed to pull that sentence off… and he felt very unjustified that the thing had gotten through the gate… and even gotten another lollipop. With drugs too. "Right."

"lOl tis b are dock." Outside the gate sat many other kids around his age. Some dueled, some traded… In other words they did fairly nerdy things. "Im gonna go tradeZoRz," the thing ran off. "Lol BAIL!"

Billy sat down at the nearest available seat. "Jetblue flight 362 to Card Camp leaving in one hour. That's right ladies and gentlemen, we're only running two hours behind schedule for once!"

There was a muffled cheer of 'hurrays' and one 'roXXorz!' as the PA system died. Out of nowhere, a woman pushing a cart of touristy souvenirs stopped in front of Billy, "Hey, kid, wanna buy a watch?"

Billy closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, he had had more than enough of this than he could handle. Besides, the watches clashed horridly with his wardrobe. "No, thanks."

The old woman frowned, "You sure? I have key chains here, too! Or maybe you crazy for hot pocket?" She proceeded to pull out random things out of her cart. "I have smurf here, too. He very useful in the garden."

Billy blinked, "… is that a child in blue body paint?"

"No. I can guarantee you it's one hundred percent smurf, just a little big."

"I don't believe you."

"Ok, how 'bout Alf dustpan?"

"Um…"

"A rainbow alarm clock? The blueprints to the pentagon? Anything?"

"Um… no thanks." Billy pondered momentarily if he should report her to national security, but decided against it by how his day was currently going.

-One Hour Later-

"Ok kiddos, all aboard Card Camp flight 362! Be sure to check your seats for snakes before sitting down… we had a problem on an earlier flight with them."

Billy checked his ticket, they had put him in the middle seat… in the back of the row… next to the toilet. Great. He put his ever so fabulous luggage above his seat and gave it a good spray over with flower smelling Lysol, just in case someone else's luggage touched his.

It was then that two pairs of very lovely modeling legs began to approach him only this time Billy didn't get freaked out. People don't tend to mind too much when Norwegian models walk up to them. "Excuse me, young man, are these our seats?"

"Well…uh… I mean…"

"Ur saEts r ovr hear! Lolz!" Shouted the thing from across the aisle.

"Why, what a darling little boy! Thank you," the two models sat by him, one giving him a peck on the cheek.

Billy now hated the thing even more. "Hey Darlene, I think there be our seats!" Billy had dialed to notice a very heavy set woman in 'sexy' clothes had walked up to his row.

"I reckon they are," the newly dubbed Darlene said as she waddled over to the other woman, her top nearly falling down in the process had the her rolls of fat not been large enough to support it. "Lookie here, Cheryl, we got ourselves a little friend we both get to sit next to!"

Billy sank into his seat. His day was just getting worse and worse. "Hay Mary J! Your seat's right in front of him!" A third woman on a level completely higher than the other two jiggled up and laughed heartily.

"Dargone, it is!"

Billy took this time to wonder why three large redneck women were on a plane to a chlid's card camp. But not much that had happened today made sense. After the lonely women sat down the intercom came on.

"Hello passengers, this is your pilot. Today's flight will be an official flight to obtain my license. At anytime feel free to tell me how I'm flying."

Darlene and Cheryl wedged themselves on both sides of Billy, "Why are these seats so dang small?"

"I dunk know Cheryl, I dun think we should complain to the pilot."

'For the love of God, don't do it during the flight.' Billy thought as the overcome came on again.

"Today's in-flight movie will be cancelled and in place we'll be showing reruns of the Maury show. Yes, we are that under funded."

_-TV/Movie-_

"Today on the Maury Show: A young Tea Gardener back for her third time trying to find out the father of her child. Today she has brought three young men with her… Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, and Mokuba Kaiba. She is one hundred percent certain that one of these men is the father of her child.

"So, Tea, today you are sure one of them her is the father."

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure this time Maury."

"Ok, let's look back on who was NOT the father."

_-Flash Back-_

First episode: Yami, you are NOT the father.

Second episode: Kaiba, Yugi, Bakura- you men are NOT the father.

_-Show-_

"Ok, bring out the men."

Joey walks out, "I can definitely tell you I am not the father."

Tristan walks out, "I don't believe I am the father."

Mokuba walks out, "I don't know why I'm here."

Maury held an envelope in his hand, "We have taken a DNA test and have the results here. Are you ready, Tea?"

"Yes I am, Maury."

Maury opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper, "And the test results say… Mokuba, you ARE the father."

Tea screamed in delight while Mokuba cried, "I don't remember any of this."

Mai ran out on stage, "What?! Mokuba is the father of MY baby!"

The audience howled in laughter and 'oohs!' while yet another person ran out on stage. "But I'm supposed to be your baby's father!" Malik exclaimed.

Mokuba cried even harder, "I feel violated!"

_-Back on the Plane-_

"This is the best show EVER!" Both Darlene and Cheryl cried as they hugged each other, causing Billy both trauma and in need of therapy.

"Ho! You gals are funNEH," Mary J laughed as she turned in her seat to face the other two girls. "Jerry Springer is where it's at."

"You wanna say something to ma face?"

"I believe I am saying it to your face but your face looks so much like your ass that I can't tell."

"Oh, it's on!"

The three women began to brawl with one another while all Billy could do is sit, watch, hope the scene didn't traumatize him too much more than the prvious one, and listen as someone shouted "Jerry, Jerry!" and "U r teh suxxorz LOL!"

_Chapter end _

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Grey: That's all of it!

Fish: Fish is sorry, Maury! Fish loves The Maury Show!

Grey: No offense meant to Jetblue either, it's all in good fun.

Fish: -Crying- Fish sorry Maury!

Grey: Anyway, that's probably the longest chapter we'll ever write so if it was too long for you then don't worry- it won't happen again. Oh, and don't expect another super quick update either. We'll try and we'll try hard, but we're also realistic.

Fish: More Yu-gi-oh characters introduced next chapter do, so keep reading!

Grey: On a side note, Happy Father's Day everyone!


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